1 00:00:01,675 --> 00:00:04,743 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,811 --> 00:00:08,147 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,428 --> 00:00:11,496 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,563 --> 00:00:14,464 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,532 --> 00:00:18,401 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,468 --> 00:00:21,337 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,404 --> 00:00:22,938 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,307 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,374 --> 00:00:26,624 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:26,625 --> 00:00:29,625 ♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪ Thanksgiving Original Air Date on November 20, 2011 11 00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:32,650 == sync, corrected by 00:01:15,006 ♪ We just won the big game ♪ 30 00:01:16,308 --> 00:01:17,808 ♪ We just won the big game ♪ 31 00:01:19,594 --> 00:01:20,811 ♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪ 32 00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:22,396 ♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪ 33 00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:23,748 ♪ And though that sounds suggestive ♪ 34 00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:25,716 ♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪ 35 00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:28,170 And here comes the Rocky and Bullwinkle float. 36 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,755 Always a popular sight here at the par... 37 00:01:30,822 --> 00:01:32,623 S-Somebody want to handle that? 38 00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:33,791 Does some-- does some-- 39 00:01:33,859 --> 00:01:35,626 Does somebody want to deal with that? 40 00:01:35,694 --> 00:01:37,728 The car alarm, "what." 41 00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:38,796 You're kidding. 44 00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:45,336 Ph-Phil, Phil just open it-- unlock the doors. 45 00:01:45,404 --> 00:01:47,638 You don't have to put the key in the ignition. 46 00:01:47,706 --> 00:01:49,774 Well, open the driver's side first. 47 00:01:49,841 --> 00:01:51,776 Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, 48 00:01:51,843 --> 00:01:53,144 and there's nothing we can do about it. 49 00:01:53,211 --> 00:01:54,412 Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. 50 00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:55,513 Here's a car alarm. 51 00:01:56,865 --> 00:01:58,165 All right, well, I guess we'll just... 52 00:01:58,233 --> 00:01:59,600 Ahhh, there we go. 53 00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,069 Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie. 54 00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:04,071 Now remember everyone, let's be cheerful, 55 00:02:04,139 --> 00:02:06,207 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them. 56 00:02:06,274 --> 00:02:07,742 'Cause Joe can't walk? No. 57 00:02:07,809 --> 00:02:10,111 'Cause his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore, 58 00:02:10,178 --> 00:02:12,079 and a nurse has to go digging up there 59 00:02:12,147 --> 00:02:13,664 to get up after his stuff? 60 00:02:14,733 --> 00:02:15,783 Oh, my God! 61 00:02:15,851 --> 00:02:16,884 I know. 62 00:02:16,952 --> 00:02:18,419 That was told to me in confidence. 63 00:02:18,487 --> 00:02:20,087 No. Don't you remember, Peter? 64 00:02:20,155 --> 00:02:21,439 It was on Thanksgiving 65 00:02:21,506 --> 00:02:23,207 that their son Kevin got killed in Iraq. 66 00:02:24,342 --> 00:02:25,593 Look who's here! 67 00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:27,011 Happy Thanksgiving. 68 00:02:27,062 --> 00:02:28,195 Gobble gobble. 69 00:02:28,263 --> 00:02:30,598 You guys, thanks so much for having us over. 70 00:02:30,665 --> 00:02:33,200 Well, we're just glad we can have people over again 71 00:02:33,268 --> 00:02:34,668 now that that giant crab's gone. 72 00:02:34,736 --> 00:02:36,821 Hey, guys, how ya doin'? Come on in. 73 00:02:36,888 --> 00:02:38,606 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. 74 00:02:38,690 --> 00:02:39,907 No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. 75 00:02:39,991 --> 00:02:41,058 Just go around it. 76 00:02:41,109 --> 00:02:41,909 He's not gonna hurt ya. 77 00:02:41,993 --> 00:02:43,194 Just go around it. 78 00:02:43,245 --> 00:02:44,228 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. 79 00:02:44,279 --> 00:02:45,196 No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. 80 00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:46,330 No-no-no-no-no. 81 00:02:46,397 --> 00:02:47,731 All right, try just going under him. 82 00:02:47,783 --> 00:02:49,333 I think we should probably just go home. 83 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,618 Maybe we'll do it another time. 84 00:02:50,702 --> 00:02:51,535 No-no-no-no-no. 85 00:02:58,627 --> 00:02:59,577 What the hell? 86 00:02:59,644 --> 00:03:00,594 Mom! 87 00:03:00,679 --> 00:03:01,679 Mom, it's me! Mom! 88 00:03:01,747 --> 00:03:03,414 Oh, yeah, it's a baby. 89 00:03:03,482 --> 00:03:05,082 It's a big balloon, baby, 90 00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:06,417 just like you're a baby. 91 00:03:06,485 --> 00:03:07,451 No, it's me! 92 00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:08,469 It's a balloon of me! 93 00:03:08,537 --> 00:03:09,854 Peter, come look at this. 94 00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:12,389 He sees a baby and knows that he's also a baby. 95 00:03:12,457 --> 00:03:13,624 So smart. 96 00:03:13,692 --> 00:03:15,326 Mama's smart little boy. 97 00:03:15,393 --> 00:03:17,027 Aah, check out Quagmire. 98 00:03:17,095 --> 00:03:18,429 It's been a year and a half, 99 00:03:18,497 --> 00:03:20,781 and he still looks uncomfortable around his dad. 100 00:03:20,849 --> 00:03:22,416 Well, it's a big adjustment. 101 00:03:22,484 --> 00:03:25,486 After all, his dad did have a sex-change operation. 102 00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:28,089 So, uh... how-how are things, Dad? 103 00:03:28,156 --> 00:03:31,425 Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here. 104 00:03:31,493 --> 00:03:33,744 This is gonna be a really special Thanksgiving. 105 00:03:33,795 --> 00:03:35,679 Happy Thanksgiving! 106 00:03:35,747 --> 00:03:37,231 We brought chicken wings. 107 00:03:37,299 --> 00:03:40,000 Oh, yum. I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. 108 00:03:44,139 --> 00:03:45,089 Hey, Aunt Carol. 109 00:03:45,157 --> 00:03:46,157 Hey, Uncle Adam. 110 00:03:46,224 --> 00:03:47,558 ♪ La la la la la. ♪ 111 00:03:47,626 --> 00:03:49,760 Don't mention last night's Project Runway. 112 00:03:49,828 --> 00:03:51,262 I've got it on TiVo. 113 00:03:51,313 --> 00:03:52,596 Happy Thanksgiving. 114 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:54,248 I brought Marshmallow Peeps. 115 00:03:54,316 --> 00:03:55,249 Oh. 116 00:03:55,317 --> 00:03:56,450 Okay. 117 00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:58,686 I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. 118 00:03:58,753 --> 00:03:59,887 Okay. 119 00:03:59,955 --> 00:04:01,922 I'm gonna need it back now. 120 00:04:01,990 --> 00:04:03,157 Oh. 121 00:04:04,526 --> 00:04:06,076 I don't want anything else today 122 00:04:06,144 --> 00:04:08,145 to get as tense as that just got. 123 00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:09,947 Carol, it's so good to see you. 124 00:04:10,015 --> 00:04:11,248 You, too, Lois. 125 00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:12,917 God, that is one nice ass. 126 00:04:12,984 --> 00:04:14,351 Thank you. You're welcome. 127 00:04:16,254 --> 00:04:17,354 This is nice. 128 00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:19,023 This is very nice, 129 00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:21,158 the time that we're spending together right now. 130 00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:22,159 Easy, Joe. 131 00:04:23,328 --> 00:04:25,296 Sorry. Just making mental memories 132 00:04:25,363 --> 00:04:27,298 for when you're all inevitably dead, 133 00:04:27,365 --> 00:04:28,632 and I'm left alone. 134 00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,434 Geez. Quagmire, help me out with this. 135 00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:31,936 No, he's right. I mean, sometimes 136 00:04:32,003 --> 00:04:33,938 chicks die, and it's not anyone's fault. 137 00:04:34,005 --> 00:04:36,874 Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. 138 00:04:36,942 --> 00:04:40,377 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason. 139 00:04:43,849 --> 00:04:45,049 Oh, my. 140 00:04:45,116 --> 00:04:47,418 Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. 141 00:04:47,485 --> 00:04:48,919 That's the stuffing, Ma. 142 00:04:48,987 --> 00:04:51,722 Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. 143 00:04:51,790 --> 00:04:53,357 Oh, this looks fantastic. 144 00:04:53,425 --> 00:04:55,376 I can't wait to poop this out. 145 00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:56,694 Hey! Who's gonna get 146 00:04:56,761 --> 00:04:58,829 the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? 147 00:04:58,897 --> 00:05:00,564 You are! Dad's gonna get it! 148 00:05:00,632 --> 00:05:01,498 Who else? 149 00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:04,335 Loving. Loving family. 150 00:05:04,402 --> 00:05:06,370 Well, dig in, everyone! 151 00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:12,176 Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. 152 00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:14,078 How have you been? Very well, thank you. 153 00:05:14,145 --> 00:05:17,081 He threw up when he found out you were a monster. 154 00:05:17,148 --> 00:05:19,483 This food is so (bleep) good, Lois. 155 00:05:19,551 --> 00:05:21,852 Oh. Okay. Wow. 156 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,188 Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? 157 00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:29,310 Oh, my God! 158 00:05:29,377 --> 00:05:30,878 Kevin Swanson! 159 00:05:30,946 --> 00:05:32,746 Son, you're alive! 160 00:05:32,814 --> 00:05:35,716 Aw, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. 161 00:05:35,784 --> 00:05:37,451 All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. 162 00:05:37,519 --> 00:05:38,786 Kevin, go back outside. 163 00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:40,337 Everybody pretend this didn't happen. 164 00:05:40,405 --> 00:05:43,974 Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? 165 00:05:44,042 --> 00:05:46,744 Is it son-died tomato? 166 00:05:47,879 --> 00:05:50,781 Is it son-died tomato? 167 00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:52,416 Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. 168 00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:53,750 Welcome home, soldier. 169 00:05:54,819 --> 00:05:56,420 Son-died tomato. 170 00:06:03,628 --> 00:06:05,078 Kevin, you're alive! 171 00:06:05,146 --> 00:06:06,012 I don't believe it. 172 00:06:06,064 --> 00:06:08,081 Oh, my God, it's a miracle! 173 00:06:08,149 --> 00:06:09,916 Well, I guess you replaced real butter 174 00:06:09,984 --> 00:06:11,284 as the star of the dinner. 175 00:06:11,352 --> 00:06:12,819 But I don't understand. 176 00:06:12,887 --> 00:06:14,588 The Army said you'd been killed in action. 177 00:06:14,655 --> 00:06:15,555 What happened? 178 00:06:15,623 --> 00:06:18,325 Well, it's quite a story. 179 00:06:18,392 --> 00:06:21,828 In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect, 180 00:06:21,896 --> 00:06:23,563 what with the blistering heat, 181 00:06:23,614 --> 00:06:25,332 the constant sense of impending danger, 182 00:06:25,399 --> 00:06:27,167 and the one gay soldier 183 00:06:27,234 --> 00:06:28,802 awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns. 184 00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:31,204 Man, I sure miss my sweetheart back home. 185 00:06:31,272 --> 00:06:33,423 I can't wait to get back to that person. 186 00:06:33,491 --> 00:06:35,092 Chow time, boys. 187 00:06:35,176 --> 00:06:36,893 Yes, sir, Sergeant Major General Captain! 188 00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:38,728 Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. 189 00:06:38,796 --> 00:06:40,630 Call me Major General Captain. 190 00:06:40,698 --> 00:06:41,882 Now you eat up. 191 00:06:43,401 --> 00:06:46,103 I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. 192 00:06:46,187 --> 00:06:47,721 Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. 193 00:06:47,772 --> 00:06:48,722 I call the white meat. 194 00:06:48,773 --> 00:06:50,107 I call the dark meat. 195 00:06:50,191 --> 00:06:51,725 I call the cell phone duct-taped to the side! 196 00:06:51,776 --> 00:06:52,609 Noooooo! 197 00:06:56,481 --> 00:06:58,615 They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. 198 00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:00,884 He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. 199 00:07:00,952 --> 00:07:03,670 Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying 200 00:07:03,738 --> 00:07:05,872 that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed. 201 00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,474 You know what? Send one to my parents, too. 202 00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:10,477 I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. 203 00:07:10,545 --> 00:07:12,395 I woke up from the coma last week, 204 00:07:12,463 --> 00:07:13,797 and I flew straight here. 205 00:07:13,881 --> 00:07:15,515 Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. 206 00:07:15,583 --> 00:07:18,451 Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, 207 00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:19,936 do you know it's happening 208 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,388 and just can't do anything about it? 209 00:07:21,455 --> 00:07:23,023 Or do u not even know what's going on? 210 00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:24,758 I also am curious about that. 211 00:07:24,826 --> 00:07:26,393 Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon 212 00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:27,794 on my car for you guys? 213 00:07:27,862 --> 00:07:30,530 And-and a little thing that says "I support the troops." 214 00:07:30,598 --> 00:07:33,033 'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. 215 00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,435 but I don't have any change on me right now. 216 00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:38,054 Well, all that matters is that my boy is home. 217 00:07:38,122 --> 00:07:41,224 Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie. 218 00:07:41,292 --> 00:07:42,225 Wow. 219 00:07:42,293 --> 00:07:43,393 Hey, little sis. 220 00:07:43,461 --> 00:07:45,061 I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? 221 00:07:45,129 --> 00:07:46,229 Hope you don't get scared 222 00:07:46,297 --> 00:07:47,964 when I scream and have night terrors. 223 00:07:48,032 --> 00:07:49,099 It's quite all right. 224 00:07:49,167 --> 00:07:50,267 I've seen worse. 225 00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,804 A human centipede. 226 00:07:54,872 --> 00:07:56,139 How ghastly. 227 00:07:56,207 --> 00:07:58,608 Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. 228 00:07:58,676 --> 00:08:00,010 You're a war hero. 229 00:08:00,077 --> 00:08:01,611 I don't feel like a war hero. 230 00:08:01,679 --> 00:08:03,313 Only a war hero would say that. 231 00:08:03,381 --> 00:08:05,916 Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? 232 00:08:05,983 --> 00:08:07,217 Were they able to contribute? 233 00:08:07,285 --> 00:08:08,869 Eh, you know, they did their best. 234 00:08:08,936 --> 00:08:10,437 What with their regular bleedings 235 00:08:10,504 --> 00:08:12,255 when they got shot, did they even know? 236 00:08:12,323 --> 00:08:13,957 Look, guys, I'm not a hero. 237 00:08:14,025 --> 00:08:16,142 And I don't want to be treated any different than before. 238 00:08:16,194 --> 00:08:17,344 Just that you would say that 239 00:08:17,411 --> 00:08:19,012 means we should treat you different. 240 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,616 Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food. 241 00:08:22,683 --> 00:08:24,918 Okay, now you eat up, and then we're all gonna go out back 242 00:08:24,986 --> 00:08:27,754 and play some Thanksgiving touch football-- excuse me: 243 00:08:27,822 --> 00:08:30,457 war hero Thanksgiving touch football. 244 00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,080 Yeaaaaah! 245 00:08:37,164 --> 00:08:38,381 U.S.A.! 246 00:08:38,466 --> 00:08:39,666 I didn't even know there was a war. 247 00:08:42,202 --> 00:08:43,603 Okay, let's pick teams. 248 00:08:43,671 --> 00:08:44,905 I'll be a captain, 249 00:08:44,972 --> 00:08:47,157 and, uh, Mayor West, you can be a captain. 250 00:08:47,225 --> 00:08:48,825 All right. I pick you. 251 00:08:48,893 --> 00:08:51,111 You can't pick me; I'm a captain. 252 00:08:51,178 --> 00:08:54,281 No one had ever stood up to me like that before. 253 00:08:54,348 --> 00:08:56,433 I respected him from there on out. 254 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,934 That's a great story, Grandpa. 255 00:08:58,002 --> 00:08:59,486 I didn't like it. 256 00:08:59,553 --> 00:09:00,921 None of my grandchildren 257 00:09:00,988 --> 00:09:03,890 had ever disliked one of my stories before. 258 00:09:03,958 --> 00:09:06,493 From then on, he was my favorite. 259 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,461 Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa. 260 00:09:09,947 --> 00:09:12,515 Future old people are wizards. 261 00:09:14,318 --> 00:09:15,619 I'm... I'm drunk, 262 00:09:15,686 --> 00:09:19,022 and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids. 263 00:09:19,090 --> 00:09:20,540 Oh, Dad, do we have to-- Ow! 264 00:09:20,591 --> 00:09:22,575 Don't cry! Don't cry! 265 00:09:22,627 --> 00:09:24,127 Game's over if you cry. 266 00:09:24,195 --> 00:09:27,030 I want you to learn about life, Chris, 267 00:09:27,098 --> 00:09:29,366 'cause of, in life it's like this. 268 00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:32,869 Peter, I think you may have had one too many. 269 00:09:32,937 --> 00:09:34,771 Maybe it's time to ease off, huh? 270 00:09:34,839 --> 00:09:36,106 What are you talking about, Lois? 271 00:09:36,173 --> 00:09:37,774 Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving 272 00:09:37,842 --> 00:09:39,209 is a holiday tradition. 273 00:09:39,277 --> 00:09:42,345 I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table, 274 00:09:42,413 --> 00:09:44,447 and you're out showing your lower ankle 275 00:09:44,515 --> 00:09:47,701 to every Tom, Tom, and other Tom in our village! 276 00:09:47,768 --> 00:09:49,719 Don't talk to mother in like fashion! 277 00:09:49,787 --> 00:09:52,038 That's it. The belt is coming off. 278 00:09:56,077 --> 00:09:57,227 All right, son. 279 00:09:57,295 --> 00:09:59,396 Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. 280 00:09:59,463 --> 00:10:01,464 Right? 'Cause, uh, "hurt locker" means 281 00:10:01,532 --> 00:10:03,233 some kind of war hero thing, or something. 282 00:10:03,301 --> 00:10:04,968 Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh 283 00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:06,403 about how fake that movie is. 284 00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:07,404 But... 285 00:10:07,471 --> 00:10:08,822 Well, wait, I, uh... 286 00:10:08,889 --> 00:10:10,957 I'm pretty sure that movie came out 287 00:10:11,025 --> 00:10:12,726 after you went into your coma. 288 00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:15,161 Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was talking about a different movie. 289 00:10:15,229 --> 00:10:16,212 Let's play ball! 290 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,349 Yeah, let's play ball. 291 00:10:21,235 --> 00:10:23,069 The world has changed around me, 292 00:10:23,137 --> 00:10:24,637 and I'm mad and scared! 293 00:10:28,743 --> 00:10:31,478 Lois, this pumpkin pie looks delightful. 294 00:10:31,545 --> 00:10:33,463 Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart? 295 00:10:33,531 --> 00:10:34,964 'Cause I never actually seen one. 296 00:10:35,032 --> 00:10:37,634 One-one time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, 297 00:10:37,702 --> 00:10:39,969 but looking back, I'm-I'm not so sure 298 00:10:40,037 --> 00:10:41,471 that that was really a military thing. 299 00:10:41,539 --> 00:10:43,273 Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. 300 00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:44,607 You know what I did with it? 301 00:10:44,675 --> 00:10:46,276 I threw it back over the White House fence. 302 00:10:46,344 --> 00:10:47,777 Wait a minute. I thought you said 303 00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,379 you flew straight home from Kuwait 304 00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:51,014 after you woke from your coma. 305 00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:53,783 When did you throw your medal over the White House fence? 306 00:10:53,851 --> 00:10:56,619 N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew to D.C., ditched the medals, 307 00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:57,887 and flew home. 308 00:10:57,955 --> 00:11:00,090 I guess that was just his dirty hobo penis, huh? 309 00:11:00,157 --> 00:11:01,858 Kevin, why would you want to get rid of 310 00:11:01,926 --> 00:11:03,026 your war medals like that? 311 00:11:03,094 --> 00:11:04,728 'Cause it was a stupid war, you know? 312 00:11:04,795 --> 00:11:07,814 All it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates 313 00:11:07,882 --> 00:11:09,582 and cripple the other one for life. 314 00:11:09,650 --> 00:11:10,984 W-Wait a minute. 315 00:11:11,052 --> 00:11:12,352 Now, I thought earlier you said 316 00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:14,054 that both of your bunkmates were killed. 317 00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:16,523 Now you're saying only one of them was? 318 00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:18,058 But I just want you guys to know 319 00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:19,959 I barely even stared at that penis for an hour. 320 00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:21,428 What? Come on, Dad. 321 00:11:21,495 --> 00:11:22,729 Whatev. 322 00:11:22,797 --> 00:11:24,164 H-Hey, why's it so hot in here? 323 00:11:24,215 --> 00:11:25,348 It's too hot in here. 324 00:11:25,416 --> 00:11:26,383 Wait a minute. 325 00:11:26,450 --> 00:11:27,934 An Ed Hardy T-shirt? 326 00:11:28,002 --> 00:11:30,170 That particular strain of douche bag 327 00:11:30,237 --> 00:11:32,205 didn't arise until 2007, 328 00:11:32,273 --> 00:11:34,074 while you were supposedly in your coma. 329 00:11:34,141 --> 00:11:35,392 Look, get off my case, Dad! 330 00:11:35,459 --> 00:11:36,793 What do you want from me? 331 00:11:36,861 --> 00:11:37,761 The truth. 332 00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:39,362 Fine! Here's the truth! 333 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,197 I was never in any coma, okay? 334 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,198 I bailed. 335 00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:44,000 I faked my death and went AWOL. 336 00:11:44,835 --> 00:11:46,503 I faked my own death once. 337 00:12:03,804 --> 00:12:06,456 No dentist appointment for this guy. 338 00:12:06,524 --> 00:12:07,657 So, there it is. 339 00:12:07,725 --> 00:12:08,825 I'm not a war hero. 340 00:12:08,893 --> 00:12:09,993 I abandoned my platoon. 341 00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,361 So now what do we do? 342 00:12:12,563 --> 00:12:14,130 Me? 343 00:12:14,198 --> 00:12:16,166 Am-Am I, am I supposed to say something? 344 00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:17,884 Kevin, 345 00:12:17,952 --> 00:12:19,919 you're under arrest for the crime of desertion. 346 00:12:19,987 --> 00:12:21,371 Oh, my. 347 00:12:21,439 --> 00:12:24,040 Um, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. 348 00:12:24,108 --> 00:12:25,074 You may use the yard. 349 00:12:32,045 --> 00:12:34,580 So you were lying to us this whole time? 350 00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:36,281 You weren't really injured in Iraq? 351 00:12:36,349 --> 00:12:39,318 First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? 352 00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,086 Kevin, I don't understand. 353 00:12:41,154 --> 00:12:42,454 There's nothing to understand. 354 00:12:42,522 --> 00:12:44,056 Our son is a deserter. 355 00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:45,774 Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. 356 00:12:45,858 --> 00:12:47,426 Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. 357 00:12:47,493 --> 00:12:48,660 Joe, you can't! 358 00:12:48,728 --> 00:12:49,928 Bonnie, we'll discuss this later! 359 00:12:49,979 --> 00:12:52,764 Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere. 360 00:12:52,832 --> 00:12:54,700 Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving! 361 00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:56,501 And it's my second favorite holiday, 362 00:12:56,569 --> 00:12:59,271 right after Pretend Not To Notice People's Race Day. 363 00:12:59,339 --> 00:13:00,439 Hey, you seen Reggie around? 364 00:13:00,506 --> 00:13:02,107 Which one is Reggie? 365 00:13:02,175 --> 00:13:04,943 Oh, uh, today he's wearing yellow pants, 366 00:13:05,011 --> 00:13:08,780 uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. 367 00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:11,683 Uh, he's got a gold tooth, uh, diamond earring. 368 00:13:11,751 --> 00:13:14,720 Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. 369 00:13:14,787 --> 00:13:16,955 Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch 370 00:13:17,023 --> 00:13:18,156 when he's telling a story. 371 00:13:18,224 --> 00:13:19,391 Like the one about when he found out 372 00:13:19,459 --> 00:13:20,926 his mother is really his grandmother. 373 00:13:20,994 --> 00:13:22,394 Could you be more specific? 374 00:13:22,462 --> 00:13:23,862 Uh, oh, let's see. 375 00:13:23,930 --> 00:13:26,064 Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. 376 00:13:26,132 --> 00:13:29,334 Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard. 377 00:13:29,402 --> 00:13:31,303 Uh, never pays his alimony. 378 00:13:31,371 --> 00:13:34,106 Uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out. 379 00:13:34,173 --> 00:13:35,524 Oh, there he is. Thanks anyway. 380 00:13:35,608 --> 00:13:36,608 Hey, Reggie! 381 00:13:38,111 --> 00:13:39,544 Look, maybe we should just let Kevin 382 00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:41,363 explain why he did what he did. 383 00:13:43,666 --> 00:13:45,250 At first, I believed in the cause. 384 00:13:45,317 --> 00:13:47,652 But then I saw what we were doing to the people of Iraq. 385 00:13:47,704 --> 00:13:48,820 Innocent people. 386 00:13:48,888 --> 00:13:51,006 There was one that I'll never forget. 387 00:13:51,074 --> 00:13:53,175 He was a little Iraqi street kid. 388 00:13:53,259 --> 00:13:55,160 I'd befriended him a few months earlier. 389 00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:57,012 Couldn't have been more than 12 years old. 390 00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:59,197 I taught him how to crack wise, American style. 391 00:14:03,119 --> 00:14:05,604 I guess that store's having a fire sale. 392 00:14:07,407 --> 00:14:09,775 I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age. 393 00:14:09,842 --> 00:14:11,276 Smart, but innocent. 394 00:14:11,343 --> 00:14:13,695 And then one day, there was a fire fight. 395 00:14:23,656 --> 00:14:26,141 We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire. 396 00:14:28,161 --> 00:14:30,328 I pull back the sheet, and who is it? 397 00:14:30,396 --> 00:14:31,880 Not the kid, but, like, 398 00:14:31,964 --> 00:14:34,532 the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor. 399 00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:37,502 He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone. 400 00:14:37,553 --> 00:14:39,638 But just looking down at his dead face 401 00:14:39,705 --> 00:14:42,424 and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad 402 00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:45,961 of the kid whose name I never found out, I lost all hope. 403 00:14:46,029 --> 00:14:48,346 That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. 404 00:14:48,398 --> 00:14:50,265 I just had to wait for my chance. 405 00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:51,266 I call the white meat! 406 00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:52,634 I call the dark meat! 407 00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:54,186 I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! 408 00:14:54,237 --> 00:14:55,103 No! 409 00:14:59,609 --> 00:15:01,827 Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. 410 00:15:01,894 --> 00:15:04,279 But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. 411 00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:06,281 There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. 412 00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:09,234 I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. 413 00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:12,504 So that was my chance to disappear. 414 00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:13,739 So I left. 415 00:15:13,806 --> 00:15:15,073 How could you do that?! 416 00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:16,291 Coward! Traitor! 417 00:15:16,359 --> 00:15:18,260 If you think that I'm gonna masturbate 418 00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,629 after this tonight, you're right. 419 00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:22,531 We don't have to sit here and listen to this. 420 00:15:22,598 --> 00:15:24,299 Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. 421 00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:25,934 Nice try, skank. Worth a shot. 422 00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:28,220 Well, where did you go after you left the war? 423 00:15:28,271 --> 00:15:30,105 I spent a few years laying low. 424 00:15:30,173 --> 00:15:31,840 Wrote some poems. You want to hear some? 425 00:15:31,908 --> 00:15:32,741 No. Are you sure? 426 00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:34,176 They're pretty intense. 427 00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:35,944 No. Here, let me just read one. 428 00:15:36,012 --> 00:15:38,346 If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? 429 00:15:38,414 --> 00:15:40,115 I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. 430 00:15:40,183 --> 00:15:43,085 Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? 431 00:15:43,152 --> 00:15:47,322 Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. 432 00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:49,207 But I really missed you guys. 433 00:15:49,275 --> 00:15:52,010 I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. 434 00:15:52,078 --> 00:15:53,345 So I came home. 435 00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:54,746 Well, it sounds to me like 436 00:15:54,814 --> 00:15:57,215 you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. 437 00:15:57,283 --> 00:15:59,117 W-What's he expecting us to cut to? 438 00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:00,936 I think he wants maybe-- I don't know-- 439 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,270 Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? 440 00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:03,488 But we don't have that. 441 00:16:03,556 --> 00:16:04,622 We-We got to come up with something. 442 00:16:04,674 --> 00:16:06,391 Well, we got, uh, we got 443 00:16:06,459 --> 00:16:08,026 "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." 444 00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:09,144 Play it, play it. 445 00:16:09,212 --> 00:16:10,679 But he didn't set it up. Play it! 446 00:16:10,746 --> 00:16:12,464 All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. 447 00:16:12,532 --> 00:16:14,499 There's just one thing I want you to do. 448 00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:15,433 What's that? What's that? 449 00:16:15,501 --> 00:16:16,651 Talk me out of it. 450 00:16:16,736 --> 00:16:18,570 No, no, no, no, no, no. 451 00:16:18,638 --> 00:16:20,839 What the hell is going on up there? 452 00:16:20,907 --> 00:16:23,074 Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. 453 00:16:23,142 --> 00:16:25,544 But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression 454 00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:28,313 being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. 455 00:16:28,381 --> 00:16:30,348 Better there than here where all my stuff is. 456 00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:33,335 So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? 457 00:16:33,419 --> 00:16:35,921 Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. 458 00:16:35,988 --> 00:16:38,824 And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million 459 00:16:38,891 --> 00:16:41,827 of their people, which is like 200 9/11's. 460 00:16:41,894 --> 00:16:44,329 So, I guess those moments of silence we had 461 00:16:44,397 --> 00:16:46,131 at those sporting events meant nothing to you. 462 00:16:46,199 --> 00:16:47,916 I'm just saying this war is wrong. 463 00:16:47,984 --> 00:16:51,770 Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. 464 00:16:51,837 --> 00:16:53,772 Your job is to follow orders. 465 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,574 Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? 466 00:16:55,641 --> 00:16:56,908 They followed orders. 467 00:16:56,976 --> 00:16:58,777 You're saying our troops are like the Nazis?! 468 00:16:58,844 --> 00:17:02,030 No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted 469 00:17:02,114 --> 00:17:04,449 in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. 470 00:17:04,517 --> 00:17:06,818 You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. 471 00:17:06,886 --> 00:17:08,353 Carol, how are you? 472 00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,889 Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin 473 00:17:10,957 --> 00:17:13,592 without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. 474 00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:16,561 He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, 475 00:17:16,629 --> 00:17:18,630 that only one other person here 476 00:17:18,698 --> 00:17:21,466 could possibly come close to understanding: Ida. 477 00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:22,701 She was in the military. 478 00:17:22,768 --> 00:17:24,236 She's seen battle. 479 00:17:24,303 --> 00:17:26,938 She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines. 480 00:17:27,006 --> 00:17:29,474 And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, 481 00:17:29,542 --> 00:17:32,544 can understand and support the choice that Kevin made. 482 00:17:32,612 --> 00:17:35,847 No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, 483 00:17:35,915 --> 00:17:37,582 and I do not support it. 484 00:17:37,650 --> 00:17:39,434 Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen. 485 00:17:39,502 --> 00:17:42,070 Son, when you go to war, you don't end up 486 00:17:42,138 --> 00:17:45,307 fighting for your country or your family or your flag. 487 00:17:45,374 --> 00:17:46,942 You're fighting for your fellow soldiers 488 00:17:47,009 --> 00:17:49,010 there in the foxhole with you. 489 00:17:49,078 --> 00:17:52,797 You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. 490 00:17:52,865 --> 00:17:54,599 You know what, everyone? Forget it. 491 00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,401 Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. 492 00:17:56,469 --> 00:17:57,435 Well, I'm not. 493 00:17:57,503 --> 00:17:58,737 But after all this, 494 00:17:58,804 --> 00:18:00,488 Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 495 00:18:00,556 --> 00:18:02,390 'cause right now I wish I was dead. 496 00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:05,694 If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. 497 00:18:05,761 --> 00:18:08,129 I can't get a (bleep) word in edgewise around here. 498 00:18:08,197 --> 00:18:10,165 Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. 499 00:18:10,233 --> 00:18:11,933 But I do have a job to do. 500 00:18:12,001 --> 00:18:13,401 So get moving. 501 00:18:13,469 --> 00:18:15,687 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room 502 00:18:15,754 --> 00:18:16,805 who does his duty. 503 00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:17,973 Doodie means poop. It does. 504 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,107 Are you, Dad? 505 00:18:19,175 --> 00:18:21,042 Are you the only one who does his duty? 506 00:18:21,110 --> 00:18:22,577 That's not how I remember it. 507 00:18:22,645 --> 00:18:23,612 What are you talking about? 508 00:18:23,679 --> 00:18:25,030 You don't remember, do you? 509 00:18:25,097 --> 00:18:26,865 I was in first grade. 510 00:18:26,932 --> 00:18:29,084 You took me out with you on one of yo shifts. 511 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,952 I just think it's presumptuous. 512 00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:32,988 I mean, come on, "the country's best yogurt"? 513 00:18:33,055 --> 00:18:34,322 You know, prove it. 514 00:18:34,390 --> 00:18:35,690 Show me your data. 515 00:18:35,758 --> 00:18:36,725 Help! Police! 516 00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:38,610 That man's a thief! 517 00:18:40,413 --> 00:18:41,780 Go get him, Dad! 518 00:18:51,457 --> 00:18:54,092 Reach for the sky, dirtbag! 519 00:18:57,446 --> 00:18:58,563 What the hell? 520 00:18:58,630 --> 00:18:59,781 I'm sorry, Officer. 521 00:18:59,849 --> 00:19:01,650 I-I was just trying to feed my family. 522 00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:04,252 I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law. 523 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,270 I know. 524 00:19:05,338 --> 00:19:06,905 I didn't know what else to do. 525 00:19:06,973 --> 00:19:09,240 I have three very wide-eyed children to feed. 526 00:19:11,027 --> 00:19:13,962 Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. 527 00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:17,332 Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? 528 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,100 Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. 529 00:19:19,168 --> 00:19:20,502 It's okay, Daddy. 530 00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,337 I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. 531 00:19:26,692 --> 00:19:29,761 Uh, listen, there's been a mistake. 532 00:19:29,829 --> 00:19:31,730 I'm not here to arrest your father. 533 00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:32,530 You're not? 534 00:19:32,598 --> 00:19:33,999 No, Son. 535 00:19:34,066 --> 00:19:36,835 I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is 536 00:19:36,902 --> 00:19:39,137 and how hard he's been working for all of you. 537 00:19:39,205 --> 00:19:40,772 Wait. You're letting me go? 538 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,273 I don't understand. 539 00:19:42,341 --> 00:19:44,376 I'm not sure I do either. 540 00:19:44,443 --> 00:19:46,945 I know the law says I have to arrest you. 541 00:19:47,013 --> 00:19:49,647 But sometimes the law is just a piece of paper. 542 00:19:49,699 --> 00:19:51,616 There's right, there's wrong, 543 00:19:51,683 --> 00:19:54,636 and somewhere in between, there's life. 544 00:19:54,704 --> 00:19:56,538 You folks have a good day. 545 00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:00,875 I never forgot what you did. 546 00:20:00,943 --> 00:20:03,578 Well, thanks for coming, you guys. 547 00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:05,613 You know what you were doing that day, Dad? 548 00:20:05,681 --> 00:20:07,082 You were breaking the law. 549 00:20:07,149 --> 00:20:10,035 You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do, 550 00:20:10,102 --> 00:20:12,837 but instead, you did what you thought was right. 551 00:20:12,905 --> 00:20:16,041 I haven't thought about that family in years. 552 00:20:16,108 --> 00:20:17,642 I think about them all the time. 553 00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,944 And the example you set for me that day. 554 00:20:20,012 --> 00:20:21,846 It's the very reason I left Iraq. 555 00:20:21,914 --> 00:20:24,115 It sucks how early I have to work. 556 00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:27,352 Well, Kevin, I still can't say 557 00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,521 that I agree with your choice. 558 00:20:29,588 --> 00:20:31,122 Not one bit. 559 00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:32,657 But I suppose sometimes a man 560 00:20:32,725 --> 00:20:34,459 has to do what he thinks is right. 561 00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:36,561 And if that's what you thought was right, 562 00:20:36,629 --> 00:20:38,229 I guess I can accept it. 563 00:20:39,498 --> 00:20:40,899 I'm glad you're home, son. 564 00:20:40,966 --> 00:20:42,333 Me, too, Dad. 565 00:20:44,336 --> 00:20:47,188 You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. 566 00:20:47,256 --> 00:20:48,456 That sounds good to me. 567 00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:49,591 Me, too. 568 00:20:49,675 --> 00:20:52,210 Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? 569 00:20:54,764 --> 00:20:56,714 USA! USA! 570 00:20:56,766 --> 00:20:57,682 Wait! 571 00:20:57,750 --> 00:20:59,184 That man's an imposter. 572 00:20:59,251 --> 00:21:01,086 I'm the real Kevin Swanson! 573 00:21:01,153 --> 00:21:02,554 Guys, I don't think we have time for this. 574 00:21:03,371 --> 00:21:07,371 == sync, corrected by elderman ==